Jashin's Chokehold
by Varmint
Summary: Hidan honestly had no idea what was going no right now. He was so confused! Who the hell was this red eyed guy? And why was Lord-Lady Jashin smirking like a wolf? One-shot! Soulmate AU! Tobirama/Hidan rare pair because I just can't stop! Second in the 'This is How I Met My Soulmate' Collection. Warning: Hidan's Mouth!


Summary: Hidan honestly had no idea what was going no right now. He could remember having been blown up, spending what seemed like an eternity buried underneath rubble, and suddenly breathing fresh air once more... Then he'd been knocked unconscious by some bastard or another. But now... Fuck, he was _so_ confused! Who the hell was this red eyed guy? And why was Lord-Lady Jashin smirking like a wolf?

Or... That Tobirama is actually a Jashinist and the powerful deity decides to give both him and Hidan a happy ending AU that literally nobody asked for or even thought of.

Warnings: The same as last time when it comes to age difference in relationships. This is set between around a couple of months up to a year after the first installment in the series _'Our Little (Great), Unimportant (Life Changing) Meeting'_. And seeing how _Hidan_ is a main character this time around, there is _a lot_ of profanity. A lot. I'm not sorry, though, because it's Hidan.

Pairings:

Tobirama/Hidan

 _(Side/Mentioned but Just Barely/Blink and you might miss it!)_ Orochimaru/Kankuro, Jiraiya/Ino, Shikaku/Neji

Belongs to: Second in the 'This is How I Met my Soulmate' Collection

*Once more, I thank Smartasswolf23 for helping me out with this story! You're awesome, babe! Love you!

* * *

Spending an eternity trapped underneath rubble had not been the way Hidan had expected his life to wind up as. After devoting all of his energies to promoting the word of Lord Jashin to these heathenist lands, he'd expected a lot more out of his life. He'd hoped that his god would have seen how useful he had been after years of continuous service and would have taken some kind of pity on him now that he was forced into such a pitiful place.

The first few days-weeks-months (because Hidan had no idea just how long he actually spend buried because of that ponytailed jackass) had been spent cursing Konoha, the Akatsuki, and his own stupidity for having allowed himself to get trapped.

After that, he had begun to recite whole passages of the eight books of his Lord, repeating each chapter word by word. He may not have been too smart, but he was a damn good study when it came to his religion. And he'd learned the good word as soon as he had been able for all he'd truly wanted in his life was to please his god.

Turns out, living the life of a priest of Jashin wasn't as privileged as he'd once hoped.

Even with his immortality, it seemed that Lord Jashin's light had left him to rot in a solitary, putrid grave. Even though he wasn't dead, he may as well have been. His body had been blown in all directions and even if he could feel his different appendages, he could do nothing about it. He couldn't move them and he was nothing more than a useless head.

Seconds bled into minutes which then painstakingly became hours which then went on to be days. He'd stopped trying to count all of the seconds that ticked by after he'd counted up a whole month. All he knew was that _years_ must have passed ever since the Akatsuki's failed attack on Konoha.

The saddest part about this imprisonment was that he couldn't even hear himself speak. If he opened his mouth, he'd be met with dirt entering. And there was nowhere for it to go other than pass through his throat, only to then get stuck there, so it wasn't worth eating to try and speak. And now that he had quite a bit of dirt accumulated down there, Hidan wasn't looking to see what would happen if more joined it.

... This sucked a lot...

Where was his happy ending? Where was his beautiful after life filled with his fellow Jashin believers? Where were the endless rivers and bountiful feasts? Where were the brother and sister that had been taken away from him much too early in his life? And where was his Lord praising him for everything he had done in his name?

... Maybe the Kakuzu bastard was right... Maybe having been so devoted to his Lord had just been a waste of his-

The fuck?

Was he... Was he seeing correctly?

Hidan blinked in perplexion as he looked around his surroundings, completely confused by what had suddenly happened. One second, all he had been able to see was darkness and dirt. But now what he saw was radiant white framing bloody red.

"What the hell?"

He couldn't stop himself from speaking. And when he said those words, Hidan noticed that no dirt entered his mouth... And if no dirt entered his mouth... Then...

"I'm fucking free!"

Hidan couldn't stop himself. He actually jumped in pure happiness as he screamed this out, rejoicing in the feeling of actually having his body attached to his head once more.

"No more fucking dirt!"

Blood red eyes followed after him without any discernible emotions within them. But then they became somewhat curious, even though Hidan heard no one speaking up.

The radiant white he saw framing those red eyes happened to be the person before him's hair. Which was extremely long from the looks of it. But it wasn't all hair. Some of that whiteness happened to be _skin_. And... Was that fur? Who the fuck actually wore _fur_?

So... Someone as pale as him with eyes and hair as distinctive as his own.

Hidan never thought he'd _ever_ find someone with mutations similar to his. Sure, red eyes were very different from his own purplish red own. And white hair was much rarer to find than gray. But it was still odd, especially seeing how this person didn't seem to have any wrinkles about him. Even though he did have three odd, identical marks on his face.

Before Hidan could even ask this odd person just what the hell was going on, he felt a sudden pressure in his neck and whole world went black. And the last thing Hidan managed to say before his body hit the ground was " _Fuck_."

~/~

When Hidan next opened his eyes, it was to find himself face to face with blood red eyes once more. But this time, there wasn't just one set. There were two. And while one of these belonged to the same person as before, the second pair belonged to someone he had never seen before.

Hair as white as the other person's. Long unlike the other's. And even _whiter_ if that made any sense. It seemed to flow as if it was currently underwater, even though Hidan was pretty sure that he was able to breathe. This person's skin, though, was just as pale as his and the first mystery person he had found. Even though it also seemed to have a slightly ashen hue to it.

"Ah, Hidan is awake." The one with the long and gravity defying hair leaned his face back and away from Hidan, even though the other person remained with their face right above Hidan's.

These eyes were inquisitive and curious. Even though they did seem to have a distrustful edge that came from them glaring down at him.

The other eyes were much more amused and, now that Hidan actually looked at them, seemed to have flecks of black swimming inside of them. And they rested inside of a much more feminine face, with a thin chin and sharp features framing them. The voice that came from the thin lips that belonged to this face wasn't too feminine, though, and kind of reminded Hidan of that one uncle of his that insisted on being called an aunt back when he had been a kid.

... Shit... His family had been _really_ weird back when they had still been alive.

"How are you feeling, child of mine?" The one with the long white hair questioned, then motioned over to the other red eyed person. "Tobirama here was worried when he heard what had happened to you."

"My Lord..." Now this voice was impossible to confuse. It was so deep that it made Hidan's chest vibrate in a way it had not done ever in his life. There was no doubt about this being a man.

"Ah-ah, Tobirama." The other person tsked as they wagged their finger in the man's face, "I told you that right now I am a lady. So you address me as my _Lady_."

It was extremely weird to hear this. Because for this woman (?) to say she was _now_ a lady must mean that she must have been a _lord_ before... Maybe this guy was confused when it came to his gender? Maybe he was like that one weird uncle that wanted to be an aunt?

With a sound of exasperation that reminded Hidan of Kakuzu's own growls, the man leaned back, crossed his arms over his chest, and grunted out, " _Lady_ Jashin, I still cannot wrap my head around just what it is that you are planning."

"On matchmaking my greatest followers of course!" The man/woman cheered out then smiled over at Hidan. "After the harsh punishment handed to him by those horrid humans, it is only fair my beautiful Hidan gets a nice partner to spend the rest of his days with."

It was at this point that Hidan finally decided to look both these strange people over. The animated, more than extremely happy one with the long hair wore what seemed to be a black and red kimono with sleeves that reached down below their hands. The front was left open and allowed him to see what looked to be like black wrapping over a rather unimpressive chest, but closed by the odd person's waist and hid the rest of their skin.

The man wore a much simpler short kimono shirt with black pants and a type of bracer on his left wrist.

"Please, my lady, this is just too-"

"Wait a fucking minute!" Hidan suddenly shut up from the bed he had been laying on (which was extremely comfortable and soft, he conceded for a second before he turned back to the crisis at hand) and glared at the person that had their gender confused, pointing an accusatory finger in their face. "Who the fuck do you think you are calling yourself by my Lord's name?!"

Then he turned his attention on the man, glaring at as well, "And who the fuck are you to be respecting a heathenist impostor!? If you really believe that Lord Jashin is your one, true savior, you would not fall for the false claims of those that sully his name!"

"Aw, you see, To-Baby?" The impostor dared to ask, smiling over at the idiotic man. "He is as great a believer as you!"

The man then hummed in thought, looking Hidan over as if he were some kind of mare in auction. "I can see why you would believe him to be a good partner, my Lady... But he seems-"

"Okay, shut the fuck up right now!" Hidan shouted out, successfully interrupting the bastard. "I'm leaving now and I don't give a fuck about whatever either of you may want!"

With these harsh shouts, the Jashinist threw off the covers that had been laid out over him and jumped away from the bed, effectively clearing the length of the bed to land far from both seated bastards.

"I did _not_ spend years of my life going insane just to wind up with impostors and fake believers!" He growled, then began to run away.

He had no idea what was going on or who these two bastards were. But he was out of that damned ground and his body was back with his head and the first thing he would do was find himself a very nice and sharp weapon to cut that Nara bastard's _head_ off and then-

"Ah!"

Suddenly Hidan found himself with his body acquainted with the floor below, a cold and misty _something_ wrapped tightly around both of his ankles. Then, before he could even truly react, the damned things were pulling him clear across the floor, dragging him back towards the bastards he was trying to get away from.

"Oi! Let me go, you bastards! I'll rip your fucking throats out! I'll sever your heads from you disgusting, unfaithful bodies and shove them so far up your disgraceful asses-"

His threats were soon muffled, though, by something wet covering his mouth up. And then he felt himself getting hauled up feet first into the air, held suspended above the floor as the two heathens he'd tried to escape from looked down at him.

"He's worse than the Uchiha..." The man groaned as he looked down while Hidan glared up at him, the Jashinist shaking his fists up at him while he thrashed against whatever was holding him. Then he looked up at the gender confused person and shook his head. "There is no way this is my soulmate, Lady Jashin."

"Oh, but he is. I made him specifically for you, To-Baby, to make you happy but give you a challenge."

Hidan was being ignored. But he was still screaming and shouting, refusing to give up even though his mouth was being covered by this soundproof black matter. He hated it when people talked about him as if he weren't in the room and was getting rather tired of these two jerks ignoring him.

"I thought he was supposed to be the perfect soulmate."

"Oh, he is." The gender confused one then smiled down at Hidan and leaned down to pat at his cheek, making the man try and grab them so he could hurt them. But the person was much too fast and retracted their hand much too quickly. "He's got fire in his soul, I made sure of it when I made him. Perfect for the ice within yours."

Then they breathed out dramatically, winked at Hidan, and looked back up at Tobirama. "He'll need you to keep him from getting arrested, but I know you'll make me proud, Tobi-Baby. And why don't you say hi to my dear Orochimaru when you see him? I miss his prayers to me."

Hidan forced himself to reach up to the bastards and try to hurt them, but just as his fingers were about to grasp the half-opened kimono shirt the long haired one wore (it was a kimono shirt and reached to just a bit above their mid-thigh. And this person's legs were as milky white as the rest of their body, but they were long as _all hell_ ), he suddenly lost consciousness once more.

This time he wasn't even able to have any last thoughts before darkness consumed him.

~/~

When Hidan came to the second time around, it was to find no eyes hovering over him. Instead he was met with the white, overly sterile smelling, much too uncomfortably small walls of a hospital room surrounding him. And instead of a soft bed, he was met with the standard, stiff cot used in hospitals all around the world to show injured shinobi how much the world truly hated them.

His whole body ached unlike anything he had ever felt before. It felt as if he had been blown up, burned, cut up, and shredded all at freaking once... And then put together, only to go through the same damn process all over again!

" _Fuck_..." The man groaned as he tried to will his right arm to move, only to find that it was much too heavy and refused to raise even an inch. " _Fuck_!"

He wanted to _move_. He wanted to be able to stand up and run around so he was able to plan his revenge and then find Kakuzu bastard and make him pay for having allowed him to run off and be an idiot during their confrontation with the stupid Konoha jerks.

"Ah, he is awake."

This was a new voice that sounded oddly familiar...

Hidan willed his head to turn to the side to be able to see who it was that had spoken up, then found himself filling up with so much anger he was close to bursting.

The scarred face of the infidel that had condemned him to that hole in the ground was the one he found sitting near him. And beside him were the red eyes Hidan had seen in that _really_ weird... _Whatever it was_... Maybe it had been a fever dream brought on by finally going insane?

"Please, Hidan, don't try and move. You will only wind up hurting yourself."

The scarred bastard's words were lost on the angered Jashinist. The anger of seeing his would-be murderer again was exactly what his body needed to finally get into motion.

With a scream of both pain and exertion leaving his lips, the gray haired man managed to lunge out of the bed, arms stretched out before him to wrap his hands around the throat that didn't deserve to give air to the infidel's lungs. But before he could completely grab the man, Hidan found some odd new tendrils wrapping around his body. And then, just as his fingers were about to reach the heathen's neck, Hidan found himself pulled into a solid chest as arms took the place of the tendrils around him.

"What the hell?!" Hidan growled as he looked behind him to find who had been retarded enough to actually _grab_ him. And then he found that it had been the man from his fever dream. And the _bastard_ actually had the gall to look down at him in _annoyance._ "Let me go! I've got to kill-"

"Is this _really_ how you're going to start off your second chance in life, Hidan?"

~/~

When Tobirama had first met the god he had spent his whole life devoted to, he had been left completely shocked. Lord Jashin (who would later on be called _Lady_ Jashin, then Lord once more, and finally Lady one last time) was everything Tobirama had thought he would be... And, at the same time, everything he never would have expected.

The god had appeared to him with bright red eyes that were rimmed with black, long white hair that billowed behind him as if there was a constant stream of air always blowing through it, and in black armor that only fit the God of Death. He had looked like the deity Tobirama had always envisioned him as and the man had never been so happy to have chosen such a taxing religion.

His family had never understood his need to believe in someone. But they had allowed him to pray to his God as long as it did not interfere with his duties to his Clan. Not many had understood him, actually. But he'd never been treated too differently, for not many knew just what Lord Jashin's religion preached.

A few of the 'believers' Tobirama had met in his life had left him feeling alone and disappointed, for they only seemed to know their Lord as a god of death and pain. But, in reality, Lord Jashin was a god of death _and_ life. He was the _only_ God. And he could be as kind as he was cruel.

The first thing the deity had told Tobirama was something that had made his whole life worthwhile: "In a few hours, you will meet your soulmate."

Then the man (who mid-meeting had become somewhat shorter, lither, and had his voice become slightly more high pitched), had explained to him how the afterlife worked and where he found himself. Currently, he wasn't at the end point Lady Jashin had created for her followers. Instead he found himself in a sort of limbo, for the goddess refused to let him go on into the other life without the soul she had molded specifically for him.

Unfortunately, in making this soul, she had lost herself and allowed more time to pass than she had hoped. Instead of finishing up the perfect man by the time Tobirama had turned ten, she had finished making him by the time the man's end had come.

"Mortal lives go by in the blink of an eye, I swear... One second I was sending you off to be born into a wonderful life of fighting and village building, the next I'm hearing word of your death at the hands of those horrid enemy nin!" Lady Jashin had then gone on to tell him about the perfect soulmate that had just been born into the world, excited about finally being able to see them together.

"But... How are we supposed to be together before the after life if I am already dead?"

"I'm sending you back to the land of the living, of course!" The woman had smiled, then wrapped an armored arm around his shoulders to begin to lead him away from the bright white landscape of _nothing_ he had appeared in. "Oh! I know you'll just love him, Tobi my baby! He'll be the perfect uke to your amazing seme!"

Hearing this made Tobirama want to groan in exasperation. "I know you don't care about that, Tobi! But _I_ do, I need to know just how I should mold to make sure both your souls fit exactly!" The woman had ruffled his hair as she said this, then waved her hand and Tobirama suddenly felt his stomach drop as darkness filled his vision.

~/~

When Tobirama had regained his vision, he'd found himself looking at a man that seemed only an inch shorter than him. He had gray hair, eyes that looked as if they were purple, and wore a comfortable looking black kimono with red trim. His whole body was covered by the garment, so he wasn't able to see if there was any muscle to be found.

Even though he wasn't able to see any kind of soul mark, Tobirama _knew_ that this was his soulmate. He didn't know how. But he was sure that this was the soulmate Lady Jashin had been talking about.

In a moment that was filled with nothing but silence, Tobirama could see himself loving this man. He was easy on the eyes and would undoubtedly have many stories to tell, seeing how he was one of the newer generations of the Jashinists. He knew for a fact that many of the younger believers were bloodthirsty and violent, but if Lady Jashin had made him into his soulmate, then he must be more than just violence.

That one blissful second of silence had been shattered, though, by his soulmate suddenly beginning to scream and rave about suddenly being free. Which, really, made Tobirama truly worry about just what Lady Jashin had thought he might enjoy in his other half.

Then the man's eyes had fallen on him and they had focused solely on him.

Tobirama felt his chest swell as he secretly hoped that he was attractive enough to his soulmate to make him actually stop and have a conversation together.

But then Jashin appeared behind the man, back to being a male, and knocked him out. The gray haired man fell into the god's awaiting arms, slumping into him in a boneless pile.

After he had picked the man up, Lord Jashin made his way over to Tobirama with a small smile on his face. "His name is Hidan and I just remembered to go and get him from his imprisonment."

Tobirama quirked a curious eyebrow at this, but said nothing.

It didn't take much, apparently, to make the deity speak. "The Head of the Nara Clan left him imprisoned underground to keep him from causing any harm to Konoha." The male sighed, then began to walk away from Tobirama and deeper into the void of white. "I cannot blame them, really, for my beautiful immortal was somewhat out of control... But leaving him buried for so long was just criminal."

Quite frankly, Tobirama felt as if he weren't really living through all of this. On one hand, he _felt_ as if he truly was walking alongside his god with his soulmate carried in the god's arms. But, on the other hand, he felt as if he would suddenly wake up in the middle of the forest, blood oozing out of his wounds as he breathed his last breaths before he faded into oblivion.

"How long was he buried for?"

"A couple of weeks."

Tobirama faltered in his steps as he heard this, then looked up at his god with widened eyes. " _Weeks_? Did he die as well?"

His Lord's red eyes turned to him with confusion, "Not at all. Did you not hear? He is immortal."

"You granted him immortality?" Tobirama gasped, surprised to hear that his god had actually done such a thing.

"Of course!" The god smiled down at him, apparently not affected by the human's sudden surprise. "I needed to keep him alive for when you would return, after all! If I didn't, he would have killed himself _long ago_." Then he pouted softly, "Although I lost track of the time and the fates took control for me without my permission. Luckily, though, I was able to find him! And now he's here for you!"

It was odd to see the God of Death and Life smiling so proudly, but Tobirama didn't really dare question what was happening. Because he felt like this must have been something unreal, he didn't really feel the need to try and question anything. And because, if this _was_ real, he was actually following a God and being treated as one of his preferred souls, and that meant that he had been right to follow his Lord's word even through years of hardship.

~/~

Tobirama could not believe that he was back among the living. Nor could he believe that so many years had passed since his death.

Children he had seen running around Konoha, smiling in pure happiness as they remained ignorant to the pain those that had grown up before them had experienced, were now old men and women of more than fifty years of age. Two of his niece's greatest friends were grown men with soulmates of their own and had come to him as soon as they had received word of the miraculous revival of the Second Hokage.

It hurt Tobirama to hear that one of the few Senju still alive, his wonderful, beautiful grandniece, wasn't in the village to come and greet him. But he did not allow himself to dwell on her and instead focused on everything that was happening at the moment.

First of all, he'd been forced to explain to the now aged Hiruzen Sarutobi just how it was that he had come back to life with a dangerous criminal wrapped up in his arms. And after explaining to him that the God above had decided that this would be what would happen, Hiruzen had ended up just accepting his explanation. The Third Hokage had known about Tobirama's religion as a genin, just like the rest of his genin kids, and even though he didn't really agree with his beliefs, he just accepted them.

It was odd that the man had accepted everything so easily. But if Lady Jashin had allowed to make Tobirama's life easy for once, the man wasn't about to start complaining.

After this he'd ended up having to explain to the now Head of the Nara Clan, a scarred man named Shikaku Nara, that he would not be allowing his soulmate to be incarcerated for any longer. And as they'd taken the man to the hospital to get him some proper care other than just allowing his battered body to heal itself, Tobirama had found himself having to promise to keep his soulmate under control, keep him in his sights at all times, and have him under house arrest until Hidan had proved that he was no longer a threat to Konoha.

Knowing how difficult his life had been at that point, Tobirama had no idea why he had even hoped that coming back to life would be simple.

Apparently his soulmate was a dangerous missing-nin that had betrayed his home village after it had decided to leave the more violent aspects of shinobi life behind. He was a terrorist that was wanted by just about all of the Hidden Villages. And he'd tried to kill Konoha shinobi to be able to acquire their resident jinchūriki as part of a terrorist cell called the Akatsuki.

Before having returned them both to the realm of the living, Lady Jashin had given Tobirama one final piece of information, "I may have not been paying enough attention to him because of keeping watch over your travel here, so he _may_ be considered a Class-S criminal in Konoha. But I'm sure you'll be able to make everything better! Goodbye, Tobi Love!"

And after spending one night waiting for Hidan to wake up, the gray haired man resting peacefully on the cot in the room as isolated as possible from the rest of the patients inside of the Konoha hospital, Tobirama could not help but want the man to wake up. He wanted to know more about his soulmate. He wanted to see him in action and hear a true explanation for his answers.

But after seeing how violently he reacted to both Lady Jashin and Shikaku, Tobirama was beginning to see that, just maybe, his soulmate may just be more trouble than he was worth.

"Let go of me, you son of a bitch! I'm going to murder this Nara bastard before it's too late!"

"You will be doing no such thing." Tobirama glared down at the soulmate he kept wrapped up in his arms, then breathed out heavily and looked at Shikaku with a bit of annoyance clear in his eyes. "I think it would be best if you left for the moment."

~/~

"I agree." The heathen stood up with a heavy sigh and walked out.

Hidan heard the sounds of locks turning after the man had closed the door. But as soon as the bastard was gone, the Jashinist turned to look at the red eyed son of a bitch that had stopped him from getting his much awaited revenge.

"Let go of me."

The man glared back at him with such an intensity that Hidan was left somewhat confused. The only people that had ever glared at him like this in his life were the likes of Kakuzu and other Akatsuki bastards. Most people that were able to look so angry yet composed were the kinds that didn't care about Hidan's insanity or immortality... And they were usually the kind that could kick his ass in a fight.

"That is not going to happen." The man grunted out and, as if to prove his point, tightened his grip on Hidan's body.

Finally fed up with being held back from his revenge, Hidan began to try and thrash around in the man's hold. But at that moment the pain his whole body was under decided to make itself known once more and all Hidan could do to keep from shouting in pain was to bite on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

Tears began to well up in his eyes at the sheer amount of pain that suddenly erupted throughout his whole body. And for the first time in a long time, there was no pleasure to draw from it. All of this pain was coming from his own body. Not from another's.

"You are in a lot of pain and are going to continue in it unless you calm down and _rest_." The white haired man hissed into his ear.

And Hidan couldn't find it within himself to fight him as he stood up and move towards the bed to set him down on it. He was in so much pain and he knew the man was right. He wouldn't get any better if he continued trying to escape.

... So he'd just have to wait to get his revenge... He could do that...

"Doing it 'cause I want to..." Hidan murmured in a tight voice as he felt himself deposited on the stiff cot. "Not 'cause you told me to, you bastard..."

The man rolled his eyes in a manner that made anger flare up within Hidan once more. But he was in so much pain already that he refused to listen to the small voice in the back of his head that told him to show the bastard just who here was the boss. Instead he chose to close his eyes and get some rest.

Once he had done that, he'd be able to punch the bastard's light out. And he'd smile like a Cheshire cat once he was able to do so.

~/~

The next time Hidan woke up, it was to find the white haired man's hands roaming over his body and his eyes staring firmly down at him. The man's sturdy and stable hands ran up his right leg for a moment, then stopped, threw the white cover over that leg and off of the other to repeat the process. And on his left thigh, the man's hands froze.

"If you're going to rape me, you're going to have to be a lot more violent to get me to feel anything."

Quite frankly, if this bastard wanted to have his way with Hidan, he would have to be a lot more forceful. With how gentle he was being right now, Hidan would have been able to snap his neck without any trouble if not for the fact that his body still felt like it had gone through hell.

The man jumped away from Hidan as if he had been burned. And then he sent a vicious glare towards the Jashinist, making him smile broadly.

"What? Am I not enticing enough for you? 'Cause I'm fucking weak right now. You could get away with doing anything you want to me."

"I was _not_ going to rape you." The red eyed bastard growled, then shook his head and pointed at his leg. "I was looking at your soul mark!"

Hidan quirked an eyebrow at this, for it was pretty amusing to see the stoic man actually showing emotions all the while his face grew bright red, then glanced down at his leg.

"Then you might as well have raped me. Didn't your parents ever teach you how private soul marks are?"

Hidan didn't give a flying fuck about soul marks being private matters or whatever. If he wanted to show off skin, then he damn well would. The only reason why he _didn't_ show off his mark on a daily basis was because it was in a somewhat uncomfortable position for showing off. And while he may enjoy having fun most of the time, he wasn't about to parade around with all of his legs out in the open. That was just _too_ flamboyant for his tastes.

"..." The man steamed silently for a moment before he threw the covers back over Hidan's leg, then he turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. "You are my soulmate, Hidan."

The words were supposed to be taken heavily, for they were rather serious. And if Hidan had been any other person, he may have just actually tried to play along with the red eyed bastard. But he _wasn't_ any other person and he couldn't help himself from smirking.

~/~

Tobirama could _not_ believe this man took a matter as serious as _rape_ so lightly. It was as if this whole meeting was some kind of joke!

Had the ignorant buffoon even noticed that they were soulmates? Because if he had, then Tobirama believed that Lady Jashin, in her wisdom, had managed to be so blinded by her own wishes for the man that she'd made fatal mistakes in creating him.

"Is that supposed to mean anything?"

Tobirama turned to the cocky bastard lighting fast, scowling down at him because of how light he was taking the information. "Of course it is! You were made for me, Hidan! You are my other half! We-"

"You're a dude I've only ever seen in a really weird fever dream." He dared interrupt, making Tobirama stop in his ravings. "Soulmates or not, you can't seriously expect me to fall at your feet or anything." Then the man's eyes narrowed and the infuriating smirk he had worn disappeared. "Or did you think I was going to just stop being _me_ the second I found my other half? Bitch, you've got another fucking thing coming to you if you think I'll change for _anyone_."

The words managed to freeze Tobirama completely.

He... Had no idea how he was supposed to internalize them.

 _Had_ he expected something to be different the moment Hidan found out they were soulmates? Honestly, _yes_. He had hoped the man would become much more pliant and understanding when he found out about their Jashin created connection. And he'd hoped that by knowing that they were halves of a whole, the infuriating little shit would begin to listen to him.

But he hadn't thought Hidan would take this so harshly. In all forms of literature he had ever read when it came to soulmates, there was a consensus over first meetings. The world fell away and the only person that would ever matter was one's other half. And one would change from thinking about past worries to only thinking about _both_ soulmates.

Even though... Maybe he shouldn't have been so surprised to find out Hidan had been so different. It wasn't as if he had experienced such a life changing experience when he'd seen Hidan. His heart hadn't skipped any beats and he had been more than aware of Lord Jashin being in the same area as them. And he hadn't really felt anything change within himself. He still wanted to please his God and keep him/her happy.

He had thought about the man being handsome and them possibly having a life together. But weren't those just thoughts everyone ended up wondering about when they met their significant others? Not just soulmates, but romantic partners as well?

"I-"

"Oh, _fuck_! My soulmate's a mother fucking prick!" Hidan shouted out with a large groan, "Lord Jashin, why would you stick me with this bastard!?"

Tobirama frowned at the shouting and scoffed, "As if I'm happy with _you_. Of all the soulmate's our Lord could have given me, did it _really_ have to be you?"

"Hey, what's wrong with me?"

Tobirama gave him such an unamused look that the man actually shifted in slight discomfort. "I've known you for less than a day and already know you are foul mouthed, rude, possess a one-track mind that could rival my brother's own, have _zero_ depth-"

"Hey! I'm fucking _amazing_!" The man interrupted, making Tobirama roll his eyes. "I have to be if Lord Jashin actually gave me immortality, you bastard!"

Raising his right hand to scrub at his face, Tobirama let out a long suffered sigh. "The _only_ reason he did that was because you would have gotten yourself killed much sooner than you should have. Which means you are _so_ stupid, you even forced our God's hand."

"Shut up!"

"Real mature, Hidan."

"I know you are but what am I?"

Tobirama stopped for a moment as he stared at the glaring Hidan. Then he tried to ask, "Are you really-"

But he was only interrupted by the man. And he didn't take too well to being cut off. "Yes, I _really_ -"

"Are we really going to get into this? Are you _this_ stupid?"

"I am _not_ stupid! Take that back before I shove my foot so far up your fucking ass-"

The discussion then devolved into what Tobirama would (begrudgingly) recall as an insult spewing match. The only reason that they even stopped was because Shikaku decided to make a surprise appearance at the very moment Hidan tried to get up to kick Tobirama's ass- all the while the man goaded him, more than aware that there was no way that the weak Jashinist would be able to do such a thing.

"Uh... Is everything okay in here?"

"Get the fuck out of here before I make you regret ever having been extracted out of your mother's vagina!"

The Nara's face showed no true reaction other than slight exasperation as he groaned and turned to leave the room once more, muttering about never listening to someone named Neji ever again.

~/~

The road to getting Hidan to optimal health was both rocky and irritating. The man was infuriating beyond all hell and lacked any of the innocent charm that had made Hashirama even _mildly_ tolerable.

Whenever someone tried to help him, the man would threaten with sticking some kind of body part into some kind of cavity within their own body. Often times he would change and take someone's gender into consideration and even added some extra violent touches just to make the threats creative. And then he'd end up failing at whatever task it was that he was trying to accomplish, which ended up with Tobirama having to aid him.

Even with all of the hate the younger male had for him, Tobirama was the only person he allowed to touch him without actively trying to hit. If others tried, he would actually try to make good on his threats. But with Tobirama, he just muttered darkly about getting his revenge.

The Hokage decided that, after a few days of Hidan terrorizing patients in the hospital with his constant screams and shouts, they couldn't keep him there anymore. So Tobirama had been moved into the home of his student, Orochimaru, which he shared with his young soulmate.

Orochimaru was a kind soul that didn't get angered easily. So he was perfect for helping Tobirama care for Hidan.

His soulmate... Not so much.

"Now you listen to me, you retarded old man-"

"Who the fuck are you calling an old man? Boy, I'll sacrifice your pitiful body to Lord Jashin!"

"Ha! That's hilarious, you actually believe in something! What are you, _five_?"

"You're an atheist!"

"And damn proud of it!"

Tobirama inhaled deeply as he stirred his morning coffee, then looked over at Orochimaru. The snake-like man was sipping calmly at his tea, even though the red eyed man knew he was prepared to bolt in case Hidan tried to do anything to harm his impulsive soulmate.

"This... Is _not_ working out." Tobirama shook his head as Kankuro and Hidan continued to shout.

"You think so?" Orochimaru asked, earnestly confused. "This is the longest I've seen Kankuro actually try and converse with someone. Normally he would just ignored someone he hates and stay away from them."

Quirking a white eyebrow, Tobirama questioned, "And this constant screaming and insulting... This is the beginning of an actual friendship?

"For the likes of Hidan and Kankuro?" Orochimaru placed his tea back on the table as he picked up the morning newspaper. "It's going about as smoothly as could be expected of such difficult personalities."

~/~

If there was one person Hidan _tolerated without having any reason to tolerate_ in this world, it was Tobirama.

Orochimaru he liked because he kept to himself and never bothered him. And Kankuro was a fiery soul that always gave him verbal challenges that were always interesting. And the other two bastards that came around from time to time, the white haired Sannin and his blonde-bimbo-soulmate, were tolerable enough that he didn't have any true plans to sacrifice any of them just yet.

There were other members of Tobirama's ever growing social circle that Hidan could be around for a few minutes. Like the hyperactive dog boy that had awed at his awesomeness, booed at his attempted murder of the Head of the Nara Clan, then awed once more at finding out that he was immortal. And the blonde haired idiot with the dumb whiskers on his face was stupid enough to be amazing, just like the fat one.

But there were others Hidan could not _stand_. The Nara bastard's carbon copy fell into that category. Just like the Uchiha with an ego much too big for his sandals. They were both annoying and conceited. Hell, the only reason he hadn't sacrificed them to Lord Jashin just yet was because of the simple fact that, if he did, he'd be forced back into hole the Nara's had lovingly created for him in their forest. And he'd go back in just like he had done so the first time around. In pieces.

Another reason he was behaving was because of the political immunity given to him because of the very high-standing his soulmate held in the village. Apparently, having a soulmate that had once been a Hokage gave a guy a lot of pull. And even though he was restricted to staying within Orochimaru's home whenever Tobirama wasn't around, he wasn't being carted off to Iwagakure or any other Hidden Villages to face time for his crimes.

The white haired, red eyed man was infuriating beyond belief. He insisted on being mature and reasonable, but then wound up arguing with him over the stupidest of things. And Hidan _knew_ these things were stupid because even _he_ found them stupid. Not like something being stupid would ever stop him from fighting about it... But he was aware of how childish they could be when stuck together.

After days of recovery, Hidan was healthy enough to get back to his usual training and fighting. But the red eyed demon refused to let him even _look_ at a weapon, much less pick one up to practice. And even after weeks had passed and Hidan had played it relatively safe (it's not like he could orchestrate a successful escape attempt with the damned seal on his leg binding him to his soulmate; the damn thing even alerted the bastard whenever he so much as _tried_ to use his chakra), the bastards in Konoha didn't let him do anything fun.

At first, Hidan had been okay with playing it by the rules. He could understand the need to keep him as locked up as possible without actually throwing him into jail. He was a dangerous and unstable S-Ranked Criminal. He _understood_ that. Didn't like it one bit. But he could kind of get their insistence on keeping him under lock and key.

But after weeks of being caught within the same four walls, Hidan needed something to _change!_ He was going insane in Orochimaru's home and it wasn't even fun!

"Tobirama!"

The man glared at him but Hidan didn't give a damn. Sure, he'd just barged into the man's room in the middle of the night. It was a rather unreasonable hour to even be _awake_ but the Jashinist did. Not. Care. Besides, the white haired demon had been reading a book and had the lamp on the nightstand beside his bed turned on. And there was a mug of steaming coffee beside the lamp. Clearly, he wasn't going to bed any time soon.

"We're going out and doing something before I lose my Jashin damned mind!"

The jerk had the gall to actually quirk an inquisitive eyebrow, a trait that Hidan was caught between hating and finding adorable. Right now he found it a tiny bit more infuriating, though.

"And what if I do not want to go anywhere?"

Growling at the cold answer, Hidan ran up to the man and jumped onto him. And once he was straddling the man's hips, he grabbed the book he had been reading, chucked it right out of the (fortunately) open window, and glared down at the man. "We're. Going. _Out_."

~/~

The more time he had spent with Hidan, the more Tobirama had come to see him as a foul tempered puppy. He got easily excited, growled at things he did not like, and did not know when to stop being annoying. The only difference he was able to find was that Hidan was potty trained.

But as time went on, Tobirama did not find him as infuriating as when they had first met. He guessed that he just got accustomed to his odd way of being and just went along with him to not get into petty arguments. Although sometimes he had lapses in his judgement and wound up arguing over petty matters just to rile the other man up.

Quite frankly, he did _not_ understand just why Lady Jashin had been so insistent on Hidan being the 'perfect' soulmate for him. Because, in all honesty, Hidan was far from being that. Especially because of his criminal past.

After the younger man had stormed into his room with complete disregard for anything Tobirama might have wanted to do (which wound up with the older male regretting having left his window open to allow a breeze to come in), the ex-Hokage found himself having to accompany Hidan around the village. The Jashinist went from one shop into another, never buying anything, although he _did_ get into a few arguments with some shop keepers because of over inflated prices. Which annoyed the hell out of Tobirama because he never bought anything.

Two hours after having barged into his room, Hidan made Tobirama buy him dinner. He was insisting on going out to a bar, but that was where Tobirama drew the line. He wasn't about to spend a night watching after a drunk Hidan and he refused to take the man anywhere near many shinobi that still hated him.

The only reason why Hidan was able to live a somewhat normal life with his soulmate was because Tobirama had done so much for his village. If not, he'd currently be locked up and awaiting quite a trial for all of the crimes committed against many different Villages. And the only reason he wasn't spending any further time locked up for his attack on Konoha was because his official punishment now was being watched over by the Second Hokage at all times. And the seal Tobirama had carefully designed for this situation was so effective the man even knew whenever Hidan _thought_ of his useless revenge plots.

After they had finished eating at the ramen stand everyone in the village loved, Tobirama forced Hidan to return to their temporary home. And when they passed through the threshold (Hidan kicking and screaming about needing more fresh air, of course, because nothing was ever easy with him), it was to find Kankuro and Orochimaru wrapped up on the couch. They were both reading a book of their own, but stopped when they heard Hidan's screaming.

"Hey, you two." Kankuro smirked mischievously, immediately making Tobirama wonder just what he was up to. "How was your date?"

Hidan suddenly stopped struggling after Kankuro had said this. And the moment the Jashinist froze up, Tobirama knew he was in for one hell of a night.

"The fuck did you say, you puppet fucker?! This wasn't a date! I need some freedom! So I forced this demon to take me out!"

"Oh, take you out for dinner? Like boyfriends do?"

Tobirama wasn't even surprised enough to glare properly at the teen. All he could do was tighten his grip on Hidan as his thrashing began once more as he looked at the puppeteer with a deadpanned scowl.

"I'll teach you who my boyfriend is when I fuck you with your own penis!"

Kankuro then continued to goad Hidan on. And Hidan, like the fool he was, fell right into Kankuro's plan and continued to swear up and down about the things he would do as soon as the red eyed bastard released him.

And as this continued and Orochimaru only shook his head fondly at his soulmate, the oldest of the men couldn't help but wonder just _what_ in the world Lady Jashin thought was so amazing about this foul mouthed man to make him _Tobirama's_ soulmate.

~/~/~

As she looked in on Tobirama and Hidan's still rocky relationship, the white haired goddess known as Jashin smirked.

"One is pure fire..." She murmured as she looked on at Hidan shouting, then focused on the more than tired Tobirama. "The other is ice. They balance each other so well they don't even know it."

With this the woman leaned her chin on her right hand, smiling fondly as she continued to look into the lives of her favorite creations.

"Humans are such adorable creatures."

* * *

And that's the story! I should have been sleeping, but Tobirama-looking plot panthers attacked. And when the Hidan-looking plot kitties appeared, there was no turning back.

I hope you all enjoyed this newest installment into the series! And, don't worry, there'll be many more to come! I am now kind of in love with this universe and refuse to abandon it. So there _will_ be more one-shots to be written and read! Please don't forget to review.


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